It’s the beginning of a new school year. Yay.
Students are either tremendously excited about seeing their
friends, starting new classes, and getting back into familiar routines, or
suffering from terrifying nightmares. By the way, after being a teacher and
guidance counselor for over 30 years, I can honestly say that many teachers are
returning to school with similar feelings!
For the students who have experienced a significant loss of
a loved one within the past few months, or even past few years, there may be particular
challenges ahead. Take for instance, Jeff and Sarah whose father, Ian, died
from cancer last April just after Spring Break. This year, Jeff is entering
Grade 10 at a new school and Sarah will be in Grade 6.
3 Tips about Grief at School
Their mom, Betty, is wondering what she can do to help her
kids start the new year. Here are 3 tips which may make it easier for her to
make some decisions:
1.
It takes time for the reality of a death to move
from head knowledge to the heart – that’s when we really start to feel the
impact of our loss. For many of us, this can take anywhere between three or
four months, or even longer. Chances are that Jeff and Sarah may just beginning
to experience their own unique traits of grief as they start the new school
year.
2.
Grieving will affect Jeff and Sarah’s brains and
bodies in ways that may interfere with their ability to learn.
3.
Chances are that Jeff and Sarah’s new teachers
may not be aware of Ian’s death, or may not have any experience or training to prepare them to help grieving
students.
Many, if not most kids, when asked if they want their
parents to talk about their loss to their teachers will answer with a
resounding, “NO!” In their “new normal world of chaos” they want to school to
be the one place where things can be as ordinary as possible.
If Betty finds
herself in this position, I
wholeheartedly suggest that this is one of those times when negotiating with
Jeff and Sarah about HOW, not IF, to let their teachers know what’s happening is the
way to go.
When the teachers
understand the cognitive challenges ahead for grieving kids, they can make learning modifications that will help the students be more successful in their studies.
5 Tips for Parents to Help their
Grieving Kids Start the School Year
1.
Talk to your kids:
a. About the
reasons why it’s important for the teachers know about the current situation.
b. To decide if they would like to participate in
the teacher meeting.
c. About what information they do, or don’t want
their teachers to know. Sometimes, it may be necessary to flange out their
reasons for their decisions, and negotiate as need be. For example, if Jeff
doesn’t want his teachers to know that he often cries about his dad, you could still
share with his teachers that he is feeling sad.
2. Call the school and set up a one-hour meeting in the third or fourth week of
school. Things will have settled a bit in the school by this time, and the designated staff will be better able to attend and participate fully in the meeting. When you talk to the school secretary, ask
to speak to whoever will be the staff member organizing the meeting – it varies
from school to school.
a.
For children in elementary school, ask for a
meeting with the Principal or Vice Principal, and your child’s key teacher.
b.
For junior high students, ask for a meeting with
your teen’s designated Assistant Principal, the Guidance Counselor and/or the
Resource teacher.
c.
For high school students, ask for a meeting with
your teen’s designated Assistant Principal, the Guidance Counselor, and /or the
Resource teacher.
d.
If your child’s school has other resource people
available, such as a Social Worker, ask to have them at the meeting as well.
3.
Be prepared to tell an abbreviated version about
the family loss and how your child has been reacting or coping. Here’s a chart that may help kids, parents,
and teachers identity common grief reactions for kids and teens.
4.
Offer a list of grief resources to the school
staff with whom you’re meeting. Ask that
the information be intentionally shared with each of the student’s teachers.
If teachers don’t know what a grieving student needs, how can they be helpful?
The resources might include:
d.
*Local community hospice society’s may have
counselors who will do staff education on working with grieving students. Also,
check out the Alberta
Hospice Palliative Care Association Roadshow for grief workshops that may
be touring to your community.
5.
Develop a communication strategy:
a.
Between the parent and a key point person at the
school
b.
Which occurs at regular intervals i.e. the first
and third Friday of each month
c.
Which is easily accessed i.e. through email
d.
Which involves feedback from the student’s
teachers i.e. the key point person asks the teachers for concerns
e.
Which involves feedback from the parent about
significant events or days in the family grief journey i.e. the upcoming
birthday of the deceased Dad
As the school year progresses, the communication strategy
can be tweaked or re-worked.
The important thing
is to let the teachers know that they have grieving kids who will need some
special care in their class this year.
Above all else, a teacher's kindness and compassion
will change a greiving student's life.
Really.
Wendy
(A version of this article can also be found on www.ahpca.ca)
